Cheap Tricks

Written
June 23, 2020
Occurred
Fall 2004 - Spring 2006
a picture of a dusty attic with light shining through its upper window by Mika Baumeister, courtesy Unsplash During my early days at Highpoint School, I made a number of logical fallacies to justify my abusive behavior, but my actions toward one particular person really make me think about where my mind was at back then, and I'm going to walk through that in the following paragraphs as a way for me to both understand where things went haywire and why you should not repeat after me.
When I was admitted into Team Beta, I was assigned to a single bedroom. Please note, that up until this point in time, I never really had to deal with roommates. As a result, I was exceedingly inconsiderate toward the boundaries of my peers and staff. It started when I exposed myself to [#p2s90e], and later, [#p2b88s] as I unpacked. I had yet to realize that all of my efforts would end fruitlessly.
If that was all I did, I wouldn't feel as bad, even now. The transgressions get worse. During our walk to and from dinner (Dinners were held in the Manor House, and we lived in Fernbrook, about a five minute walk), I would grab [#p2b88s] from behind without a care. At that point, my understanding of body language was near-nonexistent, and his brow furrowed and he started looking back and forth. I would ultimately be written up for what I did.
When you sexually violate someone while in treatment, you have to mention it during any and all relevant group therapy sessions (which are usually headed by a clinician and a case manager). I provided a list of encounters I recalled between 2000 and 2004, and I was asked to add several to the list. I would wind up having to add nine more placeholders to this list. When I was initially questioned by [#a3l58e], I lied through my teeth.
The worst thing I did though, was make the attempt to delegitimize my conduct after [#p2s90e] and I had a briefly mutual stint (although it should be noted, all sexual behaviors within the pillars was non-consenting by statute), I went as far as trying to remove his name from the list of abuses I was supposed to carry to and from group therapy. [#a3l58e] was furious, and offered the following rationale as to why this was awful:
"If you hurt someone and then they become less resistant to it, it isn't because they're now OK with it. It's their way of coping with and surviving around abusive people. Let me tell you a little thing that's called 'Stockholm Syndrome'".
After that talk, I tried to internalize what she said to the best of my ability at the time. However, because I was actively seeking out gratification and had not developed any healthy outlets to cope with the energies I had to confront. While I would not repeat this exact mistake, it would be a matter of months before I did again.
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